haven't done this in a while

so I'm about to go shopping for things to turn a shed into a livable space with a friend...and I'm leaving the house in daylight in a skirt, pretty top, and foam breasts...makeup, etc. I decided I'm done being someone else. I'm being thrown out in a few days and I'm going to be me. I'm going to do what I have to do to be me but by god I'm going to be me. No more bullshit. I am more than just someones toy, or their jar of clay. I'm a human. An individual. Someone who can't be bought, persuaded, or changed. I decide when or if I change. So now I sit here ready to go to the hardware store as girly me. Fuck the hardware store, fuck mom and dad, hell if my friend taking me doesn't like it fuck him too! (as a side note he's not that type of person) I'm my own person and no longer heed other's thoughts on who they think I should be. If some day I decide I need surgery for something or another I'll do it. If some day I decide I don't...I won't. If I decide I want to work here or there i will. If I decide to live a wonderful life I will. I'm amazing. Just watch and see. I'll love you. Just wait and see. There are things I can do that nobody in the world could dream of...just try to do them...you will see. I am an awesome, amazing, wonderful creature who is not a mistake, not WRONG, not MESSED UP IN THE HEAD, not EVIL, and not FULL OF THE DEVIL. I'm always going to be me and always going to be this great person. If you MOTHER don't like it...it doesn't matter. It simply doesn't matter. It won't change anything. It won't take my happiness. It won't take my self esteem. It won't take my confidence. It won't make me depressed. It won't take my home. It won't effect my identity. It won't do ANYTHING. It just won't matter. It will slip away like dust in the wind, never to be seen again. Negative words will not affect me any more. Especially those from my parents. This struggle is over. I have won. Now it's in my past. I love you all. Thank you for reading.

a nice little video

here is something for all of you, something to think on...

Went sailing...

From time to time you meet a few really cool people, I think I met a few recently. One of which took me sailing the other fed me home made pizza! This particular man and his wife were pretty cool to me over the last few days, and have made me realize a few things. One of these is that I've begun to be less than ok with who I am, over the last few months. I was thinking the other day that I really felt like dressing this way or that, in a rather genderfluid fashion, very feminine, wanting to wear my black an d white floral skirt. Well I didn't because I was worried they wouldn't be ok with it or would be weirded out or something. I had as much as gotten a free pass to dress and act as I want...which I shouldn't need a pass for anyhow, I am who I am. So I didn't wear what I wanted. Kind of dumb, obsessing about clothing, but it was more of the freedom to be me that i was obsessing about rather than the clothing. Here I am reverting back to "is it ok to be me" again...instead of saying "I have the right to be me". Thank you Dan for helping me realize this, I needed a reality check, and someone to point out that it is in fact ok to be me, and I have the right to do so.

a new poem

My beautiful mind where are you now?
Are you sleeping or playing somehow?

Where have you gone and when will you be back?
Will I think forever on this silly thought track?

For my beautiful mind isn't my own, it's that of my partner, whom I've never known.
A streak in the sky across the night oh so bright
A shooting star as it falls...
up

For my beatuful mind is something they say is not possible,
Something so wonderful, so kind and true...
The idea for most is quite implausible
For I know the impossiblility of these impossible things

YOU sit on my bed while i drip, drip, slip into reality feigned
A new way to see your set truth free.
You set this life afire deep inside of me.
I'll never look back, you've shown me a world, where people can love
where life springs from every word
revolutionaries set free, their service uneeded
In this world you've shown me, love is reality

So sleep in my bed
Wrapped in dreams so tight
And until I find you,
Give me comfort
Keep me warm

Copyright 2010 Colby Stratton

also, there is an edit that changes the idea of the ending...

So I sleep in my bed
Wrapped in dreams so tight
And until I find you,
Give me comfort
Keep me warm

funny how one word changes everything huh?
Remember that next time you are speaking with your loved ones.

Derivative ending copyright 2010 Colby Stratton

edit

soooo......

I got to meet this wonderful girl and her bf about a place to stay recently, I am possibly going to be getting a room with them if I can get a job close...shouldn't be hard to do. I'm hoping for sprint though, they are hiring and start at 13 an hour. It doesn't hurt that the girl I met is hot and has a thing for trans and gf types. We'll be great friends. It also doesn't hurt that her and her bf are lifestyle and I found out I know her bf. He's pretty cool. Anywhoo the radio calls...as does work.

Party...

So I went to a party, enjoyed it quite a bit. The thing is, the party was of a military sort, with a military friend, on base. I enjoyed the party immensely btw...military guys are great when drunk...it's just their nature. Went with a friend, she and I are ...well...well aquainted. Played nice the whole night, which was strange for me. I felt out of place a bit and was watching my every word because I didn't want to say something out of line or that would cause problems with his military friends and stuff. So I was rather guarded. Didn't get to kick back and let loose as much as I'd have liked. I got some good laughs and enjoyed myself though, I am just curious if anyone else has been there, where I was tonight. I found it strange. Didn't kiss the girl till the end of the night, even though with a few good moves I'd have probably gotten a kiss...or maybe a bit more, give that we knew each other in that way already, but i was guarded. Guess I need to learn how to guard one part of me but not the rest. This was theraputic.

Taking time to reflect

I'm taking time to reflect tonight, to reflect on how it feels to have my mother reject me, and my gender. Her for a long time (12 years) only child. Now that I will be making my life happen for myself, without help from her, I'm stopping for a few seconds, as I see the path unfold before me. I know it's not set in stone but the world looks bright. I have to stop to acknowledge the damage done though, and reflect on all that has happened, so I can move on. So here I am, listening to Keisha...why? My Lexy knows why. She made me happy and introduced me to it. It reminds me of her. What happened here, where did it all go wrong? I'll never know the answer to that question, not in a solid concrete answer, and most likely not at all. So I'll not speculate. What happened? My mother as little as she deserves that title now, told me I was nothing through her actions, criticism, and lack of support all throughout my life. She told me I can't when I could have. When other little boys had their mommies telling them they could do whatever I had mine telling me to do what she wanted me to do, or what I couldn't if nothing else. That didn't feel good. When it was time for high school, and I did reports on what I wanted to be when I grew up...it was always something about why I couldn't. Do you know what I did my report on? Taxi Driver. I wanted to be a taxi driver in my report...apparently she could see me doing that. It didn't get shot down. That ripped my dreams to shreds. That and all that led to it and all that came after. When I wanted to bear my soul about my pain it didn't work. When I tried to show her how I was bullied and tortured at school...she didn't listen. When it was time for me to get a job and move away...she didn't want to help, didn't give me the support most parents give. When she found I didn't want to save myself for marriage, she told my girlfriend how terrible of a mother she was, and me how bad I was. That hurt. It made me angry. I should mention that my whole life with her has been fighting, very hurtful fighting at that, ever since I was a small child. I'll admit that as a small child I had anger issues, telling her I wanted to kill her, but I was ...like 5. It was her responsibility to take care of me and those issues. Not hate me for it. Now I've worked out my issues, but hers have simply festered like an infected wound left untreated. I told her about my kink lifestyle. Of course she wasn't supportive...I didn't expect it, but she told me how God hated what I did and how bad i was in gods eyes an so on and so forth. I remember being told shortly after I met my half sisters for the very first time "your sisters don't love you". As i hear that in my head, echoing right now, I realize I've not contacted them because of that...all these years. My mother had told me in later days in arguments that my sisters wouldn't want anything to do with me, to paraphrase it all, and I seem to have believed it. Tonight I will remedy that. Somehow I think at least one of them will still love me. I hope so. I want to cry as I say this. So, dear reader, I will contact them. Later on...my dear mother jeese i could do this all day...I guess it's doing me some good. I will continue. She asked, after me telling her I am pansexual "why are you doing this to me" and to this day maintains that it reflects on her on some level. She says I'm going to hell. Says that I'm wrong. Can't love that way. I asked her why can't I love based on something other than appearances and body type. She went back to her religious proverbs. I need family. Just not this family. Of course she doesn't go for me being genderfluid. She won't acknowledge that it exists, won't even let me be different, tells me if she finds anything of it she'll throw it away. So far I maintain that she'll lose her car if she does, lol...gotta love the war. You really don't though, it's filled with hate and rage, and pain, suffering and tears, pools of blood and everything wrong. I want it to stop. I finally see the end, I see progress.

I get hurt by all this, I get angry. Most of the time my hurt converts to anger with her, very quickly. The hurt converts to anger very quickly the walls go up and it's time to take each others heads off. My mother doesn't fight fair in any way...and sadly I've learned some of her habits. These are habits I'll have to unlearn. I usually break down from time to time when I can no longer maintain the hate and anger facade and go off to a friends house for several days to recuperate. One time I broke down and screamed and bawled at the top of my lungs uncontrollably almost all day and she had no fucking idea what was wrong...even though she (my mother) had just told me that my abuse in a previous relaionship was to be expected, and insinuated that it was my fault and deserved. I nearly lost my life that night, or they nearly lost theirs, I'm not sure which. All I know is I neared the edge and my friends and a little song from Emilie Autumn saved me and pulled me back in with a safety rope. They love me, my friends. I love them. I wish I could give you all a hug, and buy you new houses, and gummy bears, and kiss you and show you all my heart. You've made such differences in my life. Bethies...you're like my sun, you don't get online much anymore, but thank you. Lexy...you're like skittles. Samantha, you're the mom I never had...there are so many...this world has love, and it's best found through hardship. You make a world for me. Don't ever go away. Samantha, we'll meet...I promise, same for you Bethies, Lexy if you ever want to...you know it's true, and ...Stella, well you're cool and all the rest, James, Nick, Chris, my rock and my shelter has been my friends. Anyone can stick their nose in a book, pretend they haven't just bottled it up, and go on their way, but I've found true love. Call it blasphemous. I call it true love. Now. I've got some sisters to claim as my own.

this time i hope nobody is reading...

Usually I hope someone is reading when I post, because I want to make a difference in someone's life. This time I have so much to say, but it's personal, and I'm afraid of who it may hurt if they realize what it's about, and I'm afraid of just telling them, and I simply can't shutup and be quiet either. So here I go. This one is nothing to do with gayness or genderfluidity or transgenderism. It is all about other stuff. Today someone betrayed me, and I found out others must have betrayed me in order for him to get the information needed for said betrayal. I hate the way people are. If they don't get wnat they want from you they hate you and use you, or try to hurt you. I guess they always try to use you. It's the nature of things. I love this old world but I'm quickly losing faith in people and their ability to be good, genuinely good, for the sake of doing so, or even for the sake of someone they care about or love. It's all just hurt. Hurt and pain and hate. This is all I feel anymore, and every time I open up to someone I get hurt again. This time someone came over to a friends house, a new friend who was rescuing me from the mum for a few nights. We played games and had our fun, our hostess, the girl interested in me and the one rescuing me, we'll call her Jill for the sake of anonymity. (yeah even when I'm hurt I try to be good) started playing with me. *it should be noted her partner was being very good and letting us play really good* anyhow we were playing a game, and fun ensued. I drop into subby space from extended period of light pain, a lil more than i expected, i'm a pain slut, clothes pins don't drop me...well they did tonight. Well Mr. Man, we'll call him bob, the man who came over (also a friend, knew him longer though, he went on a date with me once, turned out he was sweet as hell but not right for me) well anyhow, jackass didn't get any tonight, I told Jill about this and that she should say I was hers so he kept his paws off of me. It was just the easier route than him pitching a fit over not having me. Well...after the game he took Jill outside and told her I owe a friend 100 dollars...which I'm pretty sure I don't but I know how this came about...and he could only know if said person told him part of the story. He had an alternate motive, or was upset he didn't get any from me. The thing is that he did this while I was in my sub space. For the uninformed, sub space is great except it leaves you very vulnerable and open and lovey and cuddly...also part of why it IS GOOD. The thing is, if someone does something bad the person in sub space gets hurt a hundred times worse than if they weren't. Think .....a person with all their walls down, all their defenses down, and trust built up. There you go. The emotional part of subspace. Well...this fucked me up. Ruined the subspace, made me doubt myself, think Jill wasn't going to trust me...and generally hurt like hell. Well...when I finally get the courage to not scream and to not wanna kill myself or just curl up in the corner and die, I tell Jill she is my "mommy" for the night. Mommy ism...a bdsm or fetish type thing where it involves for me light age play. Makes the person playing the child very free from responsibility, and allows them to feel innocent and loved. Basically I regress a lil in the way I act to like...a 10 yr old give or take depending on stuff. Being a mommy means you are the protector and the baby can trust you. Trust you to be there. Well I was there in my space...she got her mommy ness, even got me nursing on her nipples via another fetish that is also a bit interlocking ....anyhow, middle of the night now and she says there isn't enough room for me on the bed. There was last night. She just wanted to sleep a dfferent way and frankly I was still feeling like a trusting baby...boy or girl I'm not sure but I was a lil one and it hurt. Again. I can't tell her because drama will ensue and I'll feel dumb. She won't wanna touch me with a 10 foot pole cause it was just too easy to hurt me. Fucking people. What do I say to this? What do I do? I want to be honest with Jill...I really do, but what if she just wanted me out of her bed? What if she didn't? What if she knew? What if not? What if she didn't care? What if I'm being used? I'm so tired. This life has me worn out. I don't know how much more I can take or if I can make it to tomorrow. I take beating after beating, and not the fun kind. Everything I go to, I have to go through. Everyone I meet, I heave to deal with. What happened to love thy neighbor? I'm not talking about the 10 commandments man, I just...I just thought that people had more love in them. Is this all we have left? Is this all our society is leaving it's children? I want nothing to do with a society or a nation that leaves this to it's people. You know, when I was homeless for 2 days, I found better people. people who wanted nothing for what they gave, when they did something it was because they wanted to do it for you, or they had been there. There was no "you can pay me back" or "if you'll do this for me later" they were friends cause they liked you. Friendship requires being a friend, being good to others. Friendship requires sacrifice. Without the ability to be a friend you can not love. SO where has all of the love gone? All of the friendship? I don't know, but the homeless and the poor seem to have inherited the earth. The proverb really is true, and it's already come true. The rich...hell the lower middle class even, anyone with stuff...really has nothing. These people are the lights of our society, the poor and the homeless. Who should we look to for advice? Them. They may have fucked up a time or two but they know better, and better about a ton of other things too. Being good or bad with money doesn't determine if a person is a good or bad person, or their worth. I don't know what to do ... I want to go on a walk and hope they find me gone and go search for me. I know that's wrong though, and incredibly manipulative. I don't know how to tell them anything though. What if it's all just me? Then how much of an idiot would I be to tell? Well...I'm done with this post. Lexy if you see this I love you, and I always will. You're amazing.

Went to a rally/vigil last night...

Last night I went to my first ever gay rights event. There was national coming out day, and there was a student who killed himself over the things said in the norman city hall. People showed up, candle in hand. I showed up a bit late, everyone already in a circle, but they hadn't lit their candles yet. I was amazed by the passion and resolve there, and the love shown by everyone. I didn't feel alone. You know sometimes in this fight, we can feel alone, despite all those we have around us who love us so very much, and support us. Myself I was having one of those days. I'd come home from my friends house and been given 6 weeks to get out of my parents house, again. From things said to my sister in a fight that arose from me ...being pansexual or genderfluid...one or both of those two. Anyhow, I'm not voicing my dirty laundry on the internet, this is about more than that. This student thought his only way out was death. It's not true, I want you all to know this, that I too am not yet in the "oh look at me it's going to get better I promise, see it got better for me" stage. I'm in the shit. The thick of it. IT isn't as bad as it looks though, and it's getting better, a little, or maybe not. I'm choosing to see what is good in my life. If you are alive you have something good. Sometimes life brings things to you, that you'd never expect. All of you will sooner or later get through this. That was the message last night and the message I send. Everyone lit their candles and we told stories last night, coming out stories, what we are going through stories, fruit fly support stories. All sorts. We were invited to go to gatherings, and help with the movement. Most importantly though we felt loved. It was what I needed that night. God or whoever gave it to me. There was a boy there, who said you can have your god and your sexuality too...he made a good point. Don't let people take your "you" from you. I'm getting off topic here, but your you...people won't like you and that's fine but there are people who will try to take your "you" away from you because they don't like it. Don't let them. If anyone is reading this thinking they are NOT amazing for who they are...well you're wrong. Even if I don't think so, someone does. This world is big enough for all of us, and there is no taking your "you" away. No need. Nobody CAN take it away. All they can do is try to scare you. Don't let them. Back to the topic, we broke up into smaller groups to tell stories in a more private setting. This is where I told mine, what I have of it. What I could think of. My brain was reeling from the whole thing so I couldn't think of much, but I think my story prompted a boy to come with his, who needed to share more than I. There were others who shared, a person on the board of regents for UCO came out to say hello, and share his coming out story. That said something. It said to us that we were a force to be reckoned with, that we won't be silent and we won't stop. We have power as a community, and change is coming, attitudes of young people change every day, more decide they are ok with those of us who aren't straight, and more who are in the closet come out. The day soon comes when we WILL be able to marry in oklahoma. We WILL be able to come out in small towns without being afraid. We WILL be able to go to work in ANY field without the fear of being discriminated against or bullied or harrassed. YOU the reader will see this in your life time.

ever just want to get away?

Well thats how I'm feeling right now, but not in the way i have been. Right now i want to get away for a fun walk in the middle of the night. I wanna be a lil girlie and a lil boyish and all me. Recently though it's been get away away, and I almost got it but circumstances almost got me down, they did get me down, real down actually. The important thing is that I realized I have friends and there is hope. More than hope, there is a world out there waiting for me right now and all I have to do is stretch my arm out and take it, because there is life daily. There is the amazement this world has to offer by the heaping scoop full as every drop of flowing sunlight pours into my heart through the window of opportunity we call the here and the now. I could have gone to michigan recently, and could have gone to oregon, and could have rode a train. I could have also won the lottery or died. But I didn't. There were also a million things I missed while I was focusing on what I couldn't do. The 3 things I couldn't do. Yep. Thats right. So people, remember the sun, and enjoy the rain, because without the rain there is no sun...just clouds. Without the sun AND the rain nothing grows. Without growth nothing lives. We all want to grow.

Clothing...a complete double standard.

I don't know if I've posted this before but I'm going to do it again. It's about clothing, a double standard between men and women. I'm no man but i feel the effects the same. Women are allowed to wear mens pants, shoes, shirts, everything. Think nothing of it. If things are the other way around people have a fit. If I even go into the womens department and start shopping people nearly have a fit, not to mention wearing the stuff. Actually I think they have less of a fit when I shop victorias secret for under things...funny that.

been putting a lot of time into forgetting

So I've been putting a lot of time into forgetting my situation, and frankly even my gender. I've only recently realized this as a friend pulled me from what was a self described "freefall". I've had a problem with this, it's working a little too well. So if you see me out and about don't forget to treat me as a gf, even if I don't act it, we all have a certain way we love to be treated and that is me. Call me a she and open doors for me. Whatever you do, make it something to remind me of me genderfluid nature. We all forget who we are at some point and this is my turn apparently. Your gf, Colby

breaking bonds

Sometimes life throws you a curve ball, and it's difficult to understand, or see it coming. Sometimes it smacks you right in the face and you don't even get the chance to blink. I'm getting the second one. Today I know that I'm going to have to break bonds I never wanted to break, in a way I thought I had already done, but apparently I won't, or haven't let myself. Family. My blood family. At least my two parents need to be left alone. I can't be there at all. Not even a stranger to them. I have to dissappear into the air as if I didn't exist, and maybe some day they will remember the good I brought. I have a sister though and she loves me...fighting with me right now but she loves me. My true family does not lie in my parents though. My family, all of our families lie in who we choose, and in realizing this I am forging my own family, and even conciously making the effort, building a sort of poly family. This poly family will be my only family really, save for my 2 best friends that nothing and no one could ever replace. Nick and Chris you truly are saints. Whoever runs this world .... Karma, God, Allah, Dianna WTF ever...I hope you are blessed. Anyhow I'm rather rushed and have to get ready for work. A large part of my freedom is dependant on this job, and therefore my happiness.

Ok so recently I had a fight with the family, involving me following rules, and me well... apparently one of the rules is not talking about my sexuality or presumably gender. So they said do it their way or get out. I got out. I went to my best friends house and got drunk, hung out for a while...and in a moment of clarity, came up with this email. It starts with the words of Emilie Autumns song "What if" and ends with writing of my own. I thought her words amazing (I actually intend to thank her...or at least whoever reads her emails, hopefully she gets it...it made a huge impact on me)

So here it is:

Here you sit on your high-backed chair
Wonder how the view is from there
I wouldn't know 'cause I like to sit
Upon the floor, yeah upon the floor
If you like we could play a game
Let's pretend that we are the same
But you will have to look much closer
Than you do, closer than you do

And I'm far too tired to stay here anymore
And I don't care what you think anyway
'Cause I think you were wrong about me
Yeah what if you were, what if you were

And what if I'm a snowstorm burning
What if I'm a world unturning
What if I'm an ocean, far too shallow, much too deep
What if I'm the kindest demon
Something you may not believe in
What if I'm a siren singing gentlemen to sleep

I know you've got it figured out
Tell me what I am all about
And I just might learn a thing or two
Hundred about you, maybe about you
I'm the end of your telescope
I don't change just to suit your vision
'Cause I am bound by a fraying rope
Around my hands, tied around my hands

And you close your eyes when I say I'm breaking free
And put your hands over both your ears
Because you cannot stand to believe I'm not
The perfect girl you thought
Well what have I got to lose

And what if I'm a weeping willow
Laughing tears upon my pillow
What if I'm a socialite who wants to be alone
What if I'm a toothless leopard
What if I'm a sheepless shepherd
What if I'm an angel without wings to take me home

You don't know me
Never will, never will
I'm outside your picture frame
And the glass is breaking now
You can't see me
Never will, never will
If you're never gonna see

What if I'm a crowded desert
Too much pain with little pleasure
What if I'm the nicest place you never want to go
What if I don't know who I am
Will that keep us both from trying
To find out and when you have
Be sure to let me know

What if I'm a snowstorm burning
What if I'm a world unturning
What if I'm an ocean, far too shallow, much too deep
What if I'm the kindest demon
Something you may not believe in
What if I'm a siren singing gentlemen to sleep
Sleep...
Sleep...

Words for you. Where they come from is unimportant what is is that
they are my favorite words now. More than those of anyone or anything.
This is me. My life. This is you. Your life. If you don't like it
change it. I am. You have right to your beliefs. I will not
participate in a contest of hate anymore. I am the most beautiful
genderfluid you will ever meet. I am so amazing inside and out and I
remember that. I'm a sun shining bright, a star in the night. I am
a soft breeze on a hot summer day, or the cool night air that kisses
your tears away. I play the part of the beggar and the vagabond but I
am as a saint among men. A winged angel fallen to earth, still helping
those who would be helped. I will not hate. It is not who I am. I am
beautiful inside and out, look in my eyes and see all that I am. See
all that you could be. See a world without pain, see what happens when
we love without release, without discrimination, without limit. When
we trust our fellow man. Look at me and see a face of tolerance and
written across it a roadmap to peace. Kiss my lips and be inspired.
Fall into my arms and be inspired. This is who I am. This is what I
represent. What I carry always. Who I love being daily. I am happiness
and a flower in spring. I will not hate or be dirty with the filth of
hate ever again. I will not forget the amazing creature I am. I love
you.
Colby

So I'm applying for a job as a waiter at IHOP. I'm hoping that I've grown over the years and am now better at it than when I was a kid. I am interviewing tomorrow at 2:00 and this should be a place I am happy, sonic could have been but I'm getting 2 hours a day at 2 days a week. Not much. So there you have it. Another day another job...in other news this whole thing is starting to show up in my dreams...I heard somewhere that dreams are the result of unresolved emotions. Guess that fits the bill. ALSO...I've been working on a ham radio project and managed to convert a business band radio to ham...all these things that I love seem like they are fillers for something that needs to be part of my life, but I am learning to be more well rounded. Remember that even though you may be gf, gay, lesbian, bi, trans, cd, whatever is different, it doesn't define you, neither can you or should you change it, it is simply part of you, and maybe a big part of you, but nonetheless it does not define you. Only YOU can define you. In my case right now I am a gf trying to survive.

yay gifties!!!

Ok so my neatest friend in the whole wide world decided to come say hi and get me out of the house. I got to get out and be me for a bit, look like I want to look, and enjoy myself away from the stifling conditions of moms house. We laughed and joked and had fun. I slipped on a skirt and snuck out, finishing the job with heels and a sequined top in the park. Nick made me feel so comfortable too. I didn't even think about what he might think of me and I didn't have to. Oooooo and he broughtMe a Russian gas mask as a gifty. We can freak people out with them!

Ok so...sister might be catching on???

we were watching tv today, something in conversation came up and i mentioned I had discovered the wonders of baths with candles and all the goodies. My sister was all how gay can you get, you wear guy liner, you wear man prees (male capris? they exist?)" or something similar...sis when you someday read this don't quote me on it. Anyway, then I said "yeah so" and told her that I know she loves me no matter what. She said "then come out of the closet already" totally all nonchalant like. I love my sister, she's a smart girl...she'll start catching on without me ever telling her. I have a feeling we will be having the gay talk and I'll insert the genderfluid talk into the whole thing, real soon like. She'll be as cool as a cucumber. She loves me. I feel all warm and fuzzy. I want shoes. LOL. I did laugh the whole thing off but I think it was pretty obvious. Yay for fun. Heh. Then I can get away with putting on make up or a dress when I want...or mixing clothing...said I liked

random convo in chat.

Ok so I realized that this is perfect for this blog in the middle of a chat.

Guest_tech53: i'm genderfluid
other guy: i wish i could be as comfortable as you
other guy: abotu yourself
Guest_tech53: its not always easy
Guest_tech53: did ya read the blog?
Guest_tech53: the best thing to remember is that you are here on this earth to be you
Guest_tech53: if you're religious (any religion) it means you were beautifully and wonderfully made...to be YOU
Guest_tech53: SAM
Guest_tech53: ahemm
other guy: i'm reading it
Guest_tech53: and you can't be happy if you're not happy with yourself
Guest_tech53: so i figured the people that mattered would accept me, my circle (I thought) would get smaller but they would be the important ones...I'm finding my circle is ever widening
other guy: i'm trying to be lol
Guest_tech53: people like a person who is ok with theirself, and a lot more than you would think recognize the rest as assholes
Guest_tech53: omg...that was a blog post.

random convo in chat.

Ok so I realized that this is perfect for this blog in the middle of a chat.

Guest_tech53: i'm genderfluid
other guy: i wish i could be as comfortable as you
other guy: abotu yourself
Guest_tech53: its not always easy
Guest_tech53: did ya read the blog?
Guest_tech53: the best thing to remember is that you are here on this earth to be you
Guest_tech53: if you're religious (any religion) it means you were beautifully and wonderfully made...to be YOU
Guest_tech53: SAM
Guest_tech53: ahemm
other guy: i'm reading it
Guest_tech53: and you can't be happy if you're not happy with yourself
Guest_tech53: so i figured the people that mattered would accept me, my circle (I thought) would get smaller but they would be the important ones...I'm finding my circle is ever widening
other guy: i'm trying to be lol
Guest_tech53: people like a person who is ok with theirself, and a lot more than you would think recognize the rest as assholes
Guest_tech53: omg...that was a blog post.

genderqueer in office?

"Rasmussen is a 60-year-old native Silvertonian who’s been a small business owner for most of his adult life, and a public servant in his beloved hometown for going on two decades. He served two consecutive terms as Silverton’s mayor, in 1988 and 1990, when he still dressed exclusively as a male." Reads an article in "Just Out" ... this is an article I read when I was first learning the difference between genders, mostly the non male and female ones. The article goes on to talk about his political career. In another article on megdaly he mentions that “This is something that could be done anywhere,” he says. “People are people everywhere. ” in the same article he is identfied as a genderqueer, and I begin to think that maybe this really can happen anywhere, maybe we can be accepted. It's encouraging to see this. Most importantly we are being represented in office, and being seen, not for trans, and not for male, or lesbian, or whatever, but what we are. This is a big thing for gf and genderqueers everywhere.

so i got to tell another friend!

Call me weird my friends, but I enjoy "coming out" to my friends. It's kind of a freeing experience, never getting old and always uplifting. My friends are always understanding and accepting, I guess that is due to good choices in friends. Telling them is one of those things that simply lets me know there is one more thing to be happy about, it heaps on support and always reinforces my faith in my friends. I think there should be a book on how to come out, that totally focuses on how awesome it is! Coming book maybe??? Meh...I'd just be vomiting all over the page about how great it is, lol. Nehoo, thanks Dani for being a friend! Thanks Nick! Thanks Chris! Thanks to all of my friends!

staying with parents to recover a bit...is it recovery?

So I am staying with the parents for a bit to recover a bit, thought I am completely unable to be myself. I am forced to shove myself beyond being in the closet daily and act as if my gender and sexuality didn't exist. My dad knows, sister may have figured out something...not sure, and mom knows of my sexuality only. I am only allowed to act as a straight male. I am beginning to wonder if it would be better to find a shelter or halfway house to stay in. There I would most likely be forced into another role too though. The homeless are afforded very few rights.

difficulty dating

I have not yet to navigate the hurdles of the dating world as a gf. Some freak out and think I am a freak... Don't want them anyhow. Others are just turned off... Wouldn't want to be in a relationship with them but some of them represent great fuck buddies. Some are ok with it, while yet others fetishize it. You can see where there are a few hurdles to jump. Right now all I want is play partners so I wonder whenni should bring it up. I do the online thing so I also run across "should I put it in my profile?" this limits my prospect pool, but does a few, albeit usually far better matches. I am currently wincing and taking the hit as I choose not to explain my gender in my profile... Maybe I will do so in conversation... Laterz! Colby

Trying to promote the site.

Trying to promote the blog, linking on myspace and other sites, link the site and post if you can, any help is appreciated.

Diary of a gender fluid first post!

So this is my story, my chronicle, and my biography...my struggles and life as a gf (gender fluid)(at least those I choose to share with the world). I hope to help others. My name is Colby and I discovered I am not what I thought I was a few months ago. I am not a man - or a boy even. I'm not a girl. I am a gender fluid, biologically male, I am a genderfluid. A gender which is like transgender in the fact that we believe we are fully gender fluid, just as if you asked a male to female trans gender person their gender they would confidently tell you female, and that is how they identify. Well I identify as gf. This means going back and forth between more "male like" or "female like" tendancies and mixes of them, and even tendencies that could be described as neither...something entirely different. Also feeling as such and dressing as such. This does not make us cross dressers or anything of the like. We are people just like anyone else, desiring to be ourselves in life everywhere, out with friends, family, at home, and the workplace. Not just when we go to the club. As you can imagine this can be hard....but...so goes life. Everyone has their struggles and I don't mean to belittle anyone elses as any less than my own. So off I go. I may come back rather soon to post something else that is on my mind, and please leave a comment if you are or think you may be gender fluid, or are curious about the concept.