Party...

So I went to a party, enjoyed it quite a bit. The thing is, the party was of a military sort, with a military friend, on base. I enjoyed the party immensely btw...military guys are great when drunk...it's just their nature. Went with a friend, she and I are ...well...well aquainted. Played nice the whole night, which was strange for me. I felt out of place a bit and was watching my every word because I didn't want to say something out of line or that would cause problems with his military friends and stuff. So I was rather guarded. Didn't get to kick back and let loose as much as I'd have liked. I got some good laughs and enjoyed myself though, I am just curious if anyone else has been there, where I was tonight. I found it strange. Didn't kiss the girl till the end of the night, even though with a few good moves I'd have probably gotten a kiss...or maybe a bit more, give that we knew each other in that way already, but i was guarded. Guess I need to learn how to guard one part of me but not the rest. This was theraputic.

Taking time to reflect

I'm taking time to reflect tonight, to reflect on how it feels to have my mother reject me, and my gender. Her for a long time (12 years) only child. Now that I will be making my life happen for myself, without help from her, I'm stopping for a few seconds, as I see the path unfold before me. I know it's not set in stone but the world looks bright. I have to stop to acknowledge the damage done though, and reflect on all that has happened, so I can move on. So here I am, listening to Keisha...why? My Lexy knows why. She made me happy and introduced me to it. It reminds me of her. What happened here, where did it all go wrong? I'll never know the answer to that question, not in a solid concrete answer, and most likely not at all. So I'll not speculate. What happened? My mother as little as she deserves that title now, told me I was nothing through her actions, criticism, and lack of support all throughout my life. She told me I can't when I could have. When other little boys had their mommies telling them they could do whatever I had mine telling me to do what she wanted me to do, or what I couldn't if nothing else. That didn't feel good. When it was time for high school, and I did reports on what I wanted to be when I grew up...it was always something about why I couldn't. Do you know what I did my report on? Taxi Driver. I wanted to be a taxi driver in my report...apparently she could see me doing that. It didn't get shot down. That ripped my dreams to shreds. That and all that led to it and all that came after. When I wanted to bear my soul about my pain it didn't work. When I tried to show her how I was bullied and tortured at school...she didn't listen. When it was time for me to get a job and move away...she didn't want to help, didn't give me the support most parents give. When she found I didn't want to save myself for marriage, she told my girlfriend how terrible of a mother she was, and me how bad I was. That hurt. It made me angry. I should mention that my whole life with her has been fighting, very hurtful fighting at that, ever since I was a small child. I'll admit that as a small child I had anger issues, telling her I wanted to kill her, but I was ...like 5. It was her responsibility to take care of me and those issues. Not hate me for it. Now I've worked out my issues, but hers have simply festered like an infected wound left untreated. I told her about my kink lifestyle. Of course she wasn't supportive...I didn't expect it, but she told me how God hated what I did and how bad i was in gods eyes an so on and so forth. I remember being told shortly after I met my half sisters for the very first time "your sisters don't love you". As i hear that in my head, echoing right now, I realize I've not contacted them because of that...all these years. My mother had told me in later days in arguments that my sisters wouldn't want anything to do with me, to paraphrase it all, and I seem to have believed it. Tonight I will remedy that. Somehow I think at least one of them will still love me. I hope so. I want to cry as I say this. So, dear reader, I will contact them. Later on...my dear mother jeese i could do this all day...I guess it's doing me some good. I will continue. She asked, after me telling her I am pansexual "why are you doing this to me" and to this day maintains that it reflects on her on some level. She says I'm going to hell. Says that I'm wrong. Can't love that way. I asked her why can't I love based on something other than appearances and body type. She went back to her religious proverbs. I need family. Just not this family. Of course she doesn't go for me being genderfluid. She won't acknowledge that it exists, won't even let me be different, tells me if she finds anything of it she'll throw it away. So far I maintain that she'll lose her car if she does, lol...gotta love the war. You really don't though, it's filled with hate and rage, and pain, suffering and tears, pools of blood and everything wrong. I want it to stop. I finally see the end, I see progress.

I get hurt by all this, I get angry. Most of the time my hurt converts to anger with her, very quickly. The hurt converts to anger very quickly the walls go up and it's time to take each others heads off. My mother doesn't fight fair in any way...and sadly I've learned some of her habits. These are habits I'll have to unlearn. I usually break down from time to time when I can no longer maintain the hate and anger facade and go off to a friends house for several days to recuperate. One time I broke down and screamed and bawled at the top of my lungs uncontrollably almost all day and she had no fucking idea what was wrong...even though she (my mother) had just told me that my abuse in a previous relaionship was to be expected, and insinuated that it was my fault and deserved. I nearly lost my life that night, or they nearly lost theirs, I'm not sure which. All I know is I neared the edge and my friends and a little song from Emilie Autumn saved me and pulled me back in with a safety rope. They love me, my friends. I love them. I wish I could give you all a hug, and buy you new houses, and gummy bears, and kiss you and show you all my heart. You've made such differences in my life. Bethies...you're like my sun, you don't get online much anymore, but thank you. Lexy...you're like skittles. Samantha, you're the mom I never had...there are so many...this world has love, and it's best found through hardship. You make a world for me. Don't ever go away. Samantha, we'll meet...I promise, same for you Bethies, Lexy if you ever want to...you know it's true, and ...Stella, well you're cool and all the rest, James, Nick, Chris, my rock and my shelter has been my friends. Anyone can stick their nose in a book, pretend they haven't just bottled it up, and go on their way, but I've found true love. Call it blasphemous. I call it true love. Now. I've got some sisters to claim as my own.

this time i hope nobody is reading...

Usually I hope someone is reading when I post, because I want to make a difference in someone's life. This time I have so much to say, but it's personal, and I'm afraid of who it may hurt if they realize what it's about, and I'm afraid of just telling them, and I simply can't shutup and be quiet either. So here I go. This one is nothing to do with gayness or genderfluidity or transgenderism. It is all about other stuff. Today someone betrayed me, and I found out others must have betrayed me in order for him to get the information needed for said betrayal. I hate the way people are. If they don't get wnat they want from you they hate you and use you, or try to hurt you. I guess they always try to use you. It's the nature of things. I love this old world but I'm quickly losing faith in people and their ability to be good, genuinely good, for the sake of doing so, or even for the sake of someone they care about or love. It's all just hurt. Hurt and pain and hate. This is all I feel anymore, and every time I open up to someone I get hurt again. This time someone came over to a friends house, a new friend who was rescuing me from the mum for a few nights. We played games and had our fun, our hostess, the girl interested in me and the one rescuing me, we'll call her Jill for the sake of anonymity. (yeah even when I'm hurt I try to be good) started playing with me. *it should be noted her partner was being very good and letting us play really good* anyhow we were playing a game, and fun ensued. I drop into subby space from extended period of light pain, a lil more than i expected, i'm a pain slut, clothes pins don't drop me...well they did tonight. Well Mr. Man, we'll call him bob, the man who came over (also a friend, knew him longer though, he went on a date with me once, turned out he was sweet as hell but not right for me) well anyhow, jackass didn't get any tonight, I told Jill about this and that she should say I was hers so he kept his paws off of me. It was just the easier route than him pitching a fit over not having me. Well...after the game he took Jill outside and told her I owe a friend 100 dollars...which I'm pretty sure I don't but I know how this came about...and he could only know if said person told him part of the story. He had an alternate motive, or was upset he didn't get any from me. The thing is that he did this while I was in my sub space. For the uninformed, sub space is great except it leaves you very vulnerable and open and lovey and cuddly...also part of why it IS GOOD. The thing is, if someone does something bad the person in sub space gets hurt a hundred times worse than if they weren't. Think .....a person with all their walls down, all their defenses down, and trust built up. There you go. The emotional part of subspace. Well...this fucked me up. Ruined the subspace, made me doubt myself, think Jill wasn't going to trust me...and generally hurt like hell. Well...when I finally get the courage to not scream and to not wanna kill myself or just curl up in the corner and die, I tell Jill she is my "mommy" for the night. Mommy ism...a bdsm or fetish type thing where it involves for me light age play. Makes the person playing the child very free from responsibility, and allows them to feel innocent and loved. Basically I regress a lil in the way I act to like...a 10 yr old give or take depending on stuff. Being a mommy means you are the protector and the baby can trust you. Trust you to be there. Well I was there in my space...she got her mommy ness, even got me nursing on her nipples via another fetish that is also a bit interlocking ....anyhow, middle of the night now and she says there isn't enough room for me on the bed. There was last night. She just wanted to sleep a dfferent way and frankly I was still feeling like a trusting baby...boy or girl I'm not sure but I was a lil one and it hurt. Again. I can't tell her because drama will ensue and I'll feel dumb. She won't wanna touch me with a 10 foot pole cause it was just too easy to hurt me. Fucking people. What do I say to this? What do I do? I want to be honest with Jill...I really do, but what if she just wanted me out of her bed? What if she didn't? What if she knew? What if not? What if she didn't care? What if I'm being used? I'm so tired. This life has me worn out. I don't know how much more I can take or if I can make it to tomorrow. I take beating after beating, and not the fun kind. Everything I go to, I have to go through. Everyone I meet, I heave to deal with. What happened to love thy neighbor? I'm not talking about the 10 commandments man, I just...I just thought that people had more love in them. Is this all we have left? Is this all our society is leaving it's children? I want nothing to do with a society or a nation that leaves this to it's people. You know, when I was homeless for 2 days, I found better people. people who wanted nothing for what they gave, when they did something it was because they wanted to do it for you, or they had been there. There was no "you can pay me back" or "if you'll do this for me later" they were friends cause they liked you. Friendship requires being a friend, being good to others. Friendship requires sacrifice. Without the ability to be a friend you can not love. SO where has all of the love gone? All of the friendship? I don't know, but the homeless and the poor seem to have inherited the earth. The proverb really is true, and it's already come true. The rich...hell the lower middle class even, anyone with stuff...really has nothing. These people are the lights of our society, the poor and the homeless. Who should we look to for advice? Them. They may have fucked up a time or two but they know better, and better about a ton of other things too. Being good or bad with money doesn't determine if a person is a good or bad person, or their worth. I don't know what to do ... I want to go on a walk and hope they find me gone and go search for me. I know that's wrong though, and incredibly manipulative. I don't know how to tell them anything though. What if it's all just me? Then how much of an idiot would I be to tell? Well...I'm done with this post. Lexy if you see this I love you, and I always will. You're amazing.

Went to a rally/vigil last night...

Last night I went to my first ever gay rights event. There was national coming out day, and there was a student who killed himself over the things said in the norman city hall. People showed up, candle in hand. I showed up a bit late, everyone already in a circle, but they hadn't lit their candles yet. I was amazed by the passion and resolve there, and the love shown by everyone. I didn't feel alone. You know sometimes in this fight, we can feel alone, despite all those we have around us who love us so very much, and support us. Myself I was having one of those days. I'd come home from my friends house and been given 6 weeks to get out of my parents house, again. From things said to my sister in a fight that arose from me ...being pansexual or genderfluid...one or both of those two. Anyhow, I'm not voicing my dirty laundry on the internet, this is about more than that. This student thought his only way out was death. It's not true, I want you all to know this, that I too am not yet in the "oh look at me it's going to get better I promise, see it got better for me" stage. I'm in the shit. The thick of it. IT isn't as bad as it looks though, and it's getting better, a little, or maybe not. I'm choosing to see what is good in my life. If you are alive you have something good. Sometimes life brings things to you, that you'd never expect. All of you will sooner or later get through this. That was the message last night and the message I send. Everyone lit their candles and we told stories last night, coming out stories, what we are going through stories, fruit fly support stories. All sorts. We were invited to go to gatherings, and help with the movement. Most importantly though we felt loved. It was what I needed that night. God or whoever gave it to me. There was a boy there, who said you can have your god and your sexuality too...he made a good point. Don't let people take your "you" from you. I'm getting off topic here, but your you...people won't like you and that's fine but there are people who will try to take your "you" away from you because they don't like it. Don't let them. If anyone is reading this thinking they are NOT amazing for who they are...well you're wrong. Even if I don't think so, someone does. This world is big enough for all of us, and there is no taking your "you" away. No need. Nobody CAN take it away. All they can do is try to scare you. Don't let them. Back to the topic, we broke up into smaller groups to tell stories in a more private setting. This is where I told mine, what I have of it. What I could think of. My brain was reeling from the whole thing so I couldn't think of much, but I think my story prompted a boy to come with his, who needed to share more than I. There were others who shared, a person on the board of regents for UCO came out to say hello, and share his coming out story. That said something. It said to us that we were a force to be reckoned with, that we won't be silent and we won't stop. We have power as a community, and change is coming, attitudes of young people change every day, more decide they are ok with those of us who aren't straight, and more who are in the closet come out. The day soon comes when we WILL be able to marry in oklahoma. We WILL be able to come out in small towns without being afraid. We WILL be able to go to work in ANY field without the fear of being discriminated against or bullied or harrassed. YOU the reader will see this in your life time.