Taking time to reflect

I'm taking time to reflect tonight, to reflect on how it feels to have my mother reject me, and my gender. Her for a long time (12 years) only child. Now that I will be making my life happen for myself, without help from her, I'm stopping for a few seconds, as I see the path unfold before me. I know it's not set in stone but the world looks bright. I have to stop to acknowledge the damage done though, and reflect on all that has happened, so I can move on. So here I am, listening to Keisha...why? My Lexy knows why. She made me happy and introduced me to it. It reminds me of her. What happened here, where did it all go wrong? I'll never know the answer to that question, not in a solid concrete answer, and most likely not at all. So I'll not speculate. What happened? My mother as little as she deserves that title now, told me I was nothing through her actions, criticism, and lack of support all throughout my life. She told me I can't when I could have. When other little boys had their mommies telling them they could do whatever I had mine telling me to do what she wanted me to do, or what I couldn't if nothing else. That didn't feel good. When it was time for high school, and I did reports on what I wanted to be when I grew up...it was always something about why I couldn't. Do you know what I did my report on? Taxi Driver. I wanted to be a taxi driver in my report...apparently she could see me doing that. It didn't get shot down. That ripped my dreams to shreds. That and all that led to it and all that came after. When I wanted to bear my soul about my pain it didn't work. When I tried to show her how I was bullied and tortured at school...she didn't listen. When it was time for me to get a job and move away...she didn't want to help, didn't give me the support most parents give. When she found I didn't want to save myself for marriage, she told my girlfriend how terrible of a mother she was, and me how bad I was. That hurt. It made me angry. I should mention that my whole life with her has been fighting, very hurtful fighting at that, ever since I was a small child. I'll admit that as a small child I had anger issues, telling her I wanted to kill her, but I was ...like 5. It was her responsibility to take care of me and those issues. Not hate me for it. Now I've worked out my issues, but hers have simply festered like an infected wound left untreated. I told her about my kink lifestyle. Of course she wasn't supportive...I didn't expect it, but she told me how God hated what I did and how bad i was in gods eyes an so on and so forth. I remember being told shortly after I met my half sisters for the very first time "your sisters don't love you". As i hear that in my head, echoing right now, I realize I've not contacted them because of that...all these years. My mother had told me in later days in arguments that my sisters wouldn't want anything to do with me, to paraphrase it all, and I seem to have believed it. Tonight I will remedy that. Somehow I think at least one of them will still love me. I hope so. I want to cry as I say this. So, dear reader, I will contact them. Later on...my dear mother jeese i could do this all day...I guess it's doing me some good. I will continue. She asked, after me telling her I am pansexual "why are you doing this to me" and to this day maintains that it reflects on her on some level. She says I'm going to hell. Says that I'm wrong. Can't love that way. I asked her why can't I love based on something other than appearances and body type. She went back to her religious proverbs. I need family. Just not this family. Of course she doesn't go for me being genderfluid. She won't acknowledge that it exists, won't even let me be different, tells me if she finds anything of it she'll throw it away. So far I maintain that she'll lose her car if she does, lol...gotta love the war. You really don't though, it's filled with hate and rage, and pain, suffering and tears, pools of blood and everything wrong. I want it to stop. I finally see the end, I see progress.

I get hurt by all this, I get angry. Most of the time my hurt converts to anger with her, very quickly. The hurt converts to anger very quickly the walls go up and it's time to take each others heads off. My mother doesn't fight fair in any way...and sadly I've learned some of her habits. These are habits I'll have to unlearn. I usually break down from time to time when I can no longer maintain the hate and anger facade and go off to a friends house for several days to recuperate. One time I broke down and screamed and bawled at the top of my lungs uncontrollably almost all day and she had no fucking idea what was wrong...even though she (my mother) had just told me that my abuse in a previous relaionship was to be expected, and insinuated that it was my fault and deserved. I nearly lost my life that night, or they nearly lost theirs, I'm not sure which. All I know is I neared the edge and my friends and a little song from Emilie Autumn saved me and pulled me back in with a safety rope. They love me, my friends. I love them. I wish I could give you all a hug, and buy you new houses, and gummy bears, and kiss you and show you all my heart. You've made such differences in my life. Bethies...you're like my sun, you don't get online much anymore, but thank you. Lexy...you're like skittles. Samantha, you're the mom I never had...there are so many...this world has love, and it's best found through hardship. You make a world for me. Don't ever go away. Samantha, we'll meet...I promise, same for you Bethies, Lexy if you ever want to...you know it's true, and ...Stella, well you're cool and all the rest, James, Nick, Chris, my rock and my shelter has been my friends. Anyone can stick their nose in a book, pretend they haven't just bottled it up, and go on their way, but I've found true love. Call it blasphemous. I call it true love. Now. I've got some sisters to claim as my own.