Ok so recently I had a fight with the family, involving me following rules, and me well... apparently one of the rules is not talking about my sexuality or presumably gender. So they said do it their way or get out. I got out. I went to my best friends house and got drunk, hung out for a while...and in a moment of clarity, came up with this email. It starts with the words of Emilie Autumns song "What if" and ends with writing of my own. I thought her words amazing (I actually intend to thank her...or at least whoever reads her emails, hopefully she gets it...it made a huge impact on me)

So here it is:

Here you sit on your high-backed chair
Wonder how the view is from there
I wouldn't know 'cause I like to sit
Upon the floor, yeah upon the floor
If you like we could play a game
Let's pretend that we are the same
But you will have to look much closer
Than you do, closer than you do

And I'm far too tired to stay here anymore
And I don't care what you think anyway
'Cause I think you were wrong about me
Yeah what if you were, what if you were

And what if I'm a snowstorm burning
What if I'm a world unturning
What if I'm an ocean, far too shallow, much too deep
What if I'm the kindest demon
Something you may not believe in
What if I'm a siren singing gentlemen to sleep

I know you've got it figured out
Tell me what I am all about
And I just might learn a thing or two
Hundred about you, maybe about you
I'm the end of your telescope
I don't change just to suit your vision
'Cause I am bound by a fraying rope
Around my hands, tied around my hands

And you close your eyes when I say I'm breaking free
And put your hands over both your ears
Because you cannot stand to believe I'm not
The perfect girl you thought
Well what have I got to lose

And what if I'm a weeping willow
Laughing tears upon my pillow
What if I'm a socialite who wants to be alone
What if I'm a toothless leopard
What if I'm a sheepless shepherd
What if I'm an angel without wings to take me home

You don't know me
Never will, never will
I'm outside your picture frame
And the glass is breaking now
You can't see me
Never will, never will
If you're never gonna see

What if I'm a crowded desert
Too much pain with little pleasure
What if I'm the nicest place you never want to go
What if I don't know who I am
Will that keep us both from trying
To find out and when you have
Be sure to let me know

What if I'm a snowstorm burning
What if I'm a world unturning
What if I'm an ocean, far too shallow, much too deep
What if I'm the kindest demon
Something you may not believe in
What if I'm a siren singing gentlemen to sleep
Sleep...
Sleep...

Words for you. Where they come from is unimportant what is is that
they are my favorite words now. More than those of anyone or anything.
This is me. My life. This is you. Your life. If you don't like it
change it. I am. You have right to your beliefs. I will not
participate in a contest of hate anymore. I am the most beautiful
genderfluid you will ever meet. I am so amazing inside and out and I
remember that. I'm a sun shining bright, a star in the night. I am
a soft breeze on a hot summer day, or the cool night air that kisses
your tears away. I play the part of the beggar and the vagabond but I
am as a saint among men. A winged angel fallen to earth, still helping
those who would be helped. I will not hate. It is not who I am. I am
beautiful inside and out, look in my eyes and see all that I am. See
all that you could be. See a world without pain, see what happens when
we love without release, without discrimination, without limit. When
we trust our fellow man. Look at me and see a face of tolerance and
written across it a roadmap to peace. Kiss my lips and be inspired.
Fall into my arms and be inspired. This is who I am. This is what I
represent. What I carry always. Who I love being daily. I am happiness
and a flower in spring. I will not hate or be dirty with the filth of
hate ever again. I will not forget the amazing creature I am. I love
you.
Colby

So I'm applying for a job as a waiter at IHOP. I'm hoping that I've grown over the years and am now better at it than when I was a kid. I am interviewing tomorrow at 2:00 and this should be a place I am happy, sonic could have been but I'm getting 2 hours a day at 2 days a week. Not much. So there you have it. Another day another job...in other news this whole thing is starting to show up in my dreams...I heard somewhere that dreams are the result of unresolved emotions. Guess that fits the bill. ALSO...I've been working on a ham radio project and managed to convert a business band radio to ham...all these things that I love seem like they are fillers for something that needs to be part of my life, but I am learning to be more well rounded. Remember that even though you may be gf, gay, lesbian, bi, trans, cd, whatever is different, it doesn't define you, neither can you or should you change it, it is simply part of you, and maybe a big part of you, but nonetheless it does not define you. Only YOU can define you. In my case right now I am a gf trying to survive.

yay gifties!!!

Ok so my neatest friend in the whole wide world decided to come say hi and get me out of the house. I got to get out and be me for a bit, look like I want to look, and enjoy myself away from the stifling conditions of moms house. We laughed and joked and had fun. I slipped on a skirt and snuck out, finishing the job with heels and a sequined top in the park. Nick made me feel so comfortable too. I didn't even think about what he might think of me and I didn't have to. Oooooo and he broughtMe a Russian gas mask as a gifty. We can freak people out with them!