this time i hope nobody is reading...

Usually I hope someone is reading when I post, because I want to make a difference in someone's life. This time I have so much to say, but it's personal, and I'm afraid of who it may hurt if they realize what it's about, and I'm afraid of just telling them, and I simply can't shutup and be quiet either. So here I go. This one is nothing to do with gayness or genderfluidity or transgenderism. It is all about other stuff. Today someone betrayed me, and I found out others must have betrayed me in order for him to get the information needed for said betrayal. I hate the way people are. If they don't get wnat they want from you they hate you and use you, or try to hurt you. I guess they always try to use you. It's the nature of things. I love this old world but I'm quickly losing faith in people and their ability to be good, genuinely good, for the sake of doing so, or even for the sake of someone they care about or love. It's all just hurt. Hurt and pain and hate. This is all I feel anymore, and every time I open up to someone I get hurt again. This time someone came over to a friends house, a new friend who was rescuing me from the mum for a few nights. We played games and had our fun, our hostess, the girl interested in me and the one rescuing me, we'll call her Jill for the sake of anonymity. (yeah even when I'm hurt I try to be good) started playing with me. *it should be noted her partner was being very good and letting us play really good* anyhow we were playing a game, and fun ensued. I drop into subby space from extended period of light pain, a lil more than i expected, i'm a pain slut, clothes pins don't drop me...well they did tonight. Well Mr. Man, we'll call him bob, the man who came over (also a friend, knew him longer though, he went on a date with me once, turned out he was sweet as hell but not right for me) well anyhow, jackass didn't get any tonight, I told Jill about this and that she should say I was hers so he kept his paws off of me. It was just the easier route than him pitching a fit over not having me. Well...after the game he took Jill outside and told her I owe a friend 100 dollars...which I'm pretty sure I don't but I know how this came about...and he could only know if said person told him part of the story. He had an alternate motive, or was upset he didn't get any from me. The thing is that he did this while I was in my sub space. For the uninformed, sub space is great except it leaves you very vulnerable and open and lovey and cuddly...also part of why it IS GOOD. The thing is, if someone does something bad the person in sub space gets hurt a hundred times worse than if they weren't. Think .....a person with all their walls down, all their defenses down, and trust built up. There you go. The emotional part of subspace. Well...this fucked me up. Ruined the subspace, made me doubt myself, think Jill wasn't going to trust me...and generally hurt like hell. Well...when I finally get the courage to not scream and to not wanna kill myself or just curl up in the corner and die, I tell Jill she is my "mommy" for the night. Mommy ism...a bdsm or fetish type thing where it involves for me light age play. Makes the person playing the child very free from responsibility, and allows them to feel innocent and loved. Basically I regress a lil in the way I act to like...a 10 yr old give or take depending on stuff. Being a mommy means you are the protector and the baby can trust you. Trust you to be there. Well I was there in my space...she got her mommy ness, even got me nursing on her nipples via another fetish that is also a bit interlocking ....anyhow, middle of the night now and she says there isn't enough room for me on the bed. There was last night. She just wanted to sleep a dfferent way and frankly I was still feeling like a trusting baby...boy or girl I'm not sure but I was a lil one and it hurt. Again. I can't tell her because drama will ensue and I'll feel dumb. She won't wanna touch me with a 10 foot pole cause it was just too easy to hurt me. Fucking people. What do I say to this? What do I do? I want to be honest with Jill...I really do, but what if she just wanted me out of her bed? What if she didn't? What if she knew? What if not? What if she didn't care? What if I'm being used? I'm so tired. This life has me worn out. I don't know how much more I can take or if I can make it to tomorrow. I take beating after beating, and not the fun kind. Everything I go to, I have to go through. Everyone I meet, I heave to deal with. What happened to love thy neighbor? I'm not talking about the 10 commandments man, I just...I just thought that people had more love in them. Is this all we have left? Is this all our society is leaving it's children? I want nothing to do with a society or a nation that leaves this to it's people. You know, when I was homeless for 2 days, I found better people. people who wanted nothing for what they gave, when they did something it was because they wanted to do it for you, or they had been there. There was no "you can pay me back" or "if you'll do this for me later" they were friends cause they liked you. Friendship requires being a friend, being good to others. Friendship requires sacrifice. Without the ability to be a friend you can not love. SO where has all of the love gone? All of the friendship? I don't know, but the homeless and the poor seem to have inherited the earth. The proverb really is true, and it's already come true. The rich...hell the lower middle class even, anyone with stuff...really has nothing. These people are the lights of our society, the poor and the homeless. Who should we look to for advice? Them. They may have fucked up a time or two but they know better, and better about a ton of other things too. Being good or bad with money doesn't determine if a person is a good or bad person, or their worth. I don't know what to do ... I want to go on a walk and hope they find me gone and go search for me. I know that's wrong though, and incredibly manipulative. I don't know how to tell them anything though. What if it's all just me? Then how much of an idiot would I be to tell? Well...I'm done with this post. Lexy if you see this I love you, and I always will. You're amazing.